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Tuesday, 24 January 2012 10:20 |
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LIVING WITH PARADOX Last month I was introduced to the Poetics of Aging, which led me to a book, Love Fills In The Blanks: Paradoxes of Our Final Years by Dr. Elizabeth Bugental (San Francisco, Elders Academy Press) 2008, www.elderpress.org. This is a book of poetry, prose, and discussion by a group of elders. I found that I really appreciated both Dr. Bugental’s poetry & prose and the discussion of each insight by the group. So I did a little bit of web searching to learn more.
I believe every life is precious and filled with stories. I found that Dr. Bugental’s life read like a novel. And that she and the peer group were living out a model of aging that is well worth exploring. When we share the facts of a life we’re sharing just the bare bones. I begin with a facts: Elizabeth Keber Bugental was born November 2, 1926, to Anna Pearne Keber and John Henry Keber in Los Angeles, California. Elizabeth Keber Bugental, 83, of Petaluma, California, died February 23, 2009 She grew up in Hollywood, where she attended Immaculate Heart High School and Immaculate Heart College. After graduating from IHC, she became a member of the Immaculate Heart Religious Order. She continued her education at Catholic University of merica, earning a Masters Degree in Drama. She later won a doctorate from Stanford University in Speech and Drama. Elizabeth then taught college for several years, becoming Chairperson of the Department of Theater Arts at IHC. Elizabeth left the religious life after nearly twenty years. She married the renowned psychotherapist Dr. James Bugental. The happy marriage lasted until his death in 2008. She became a licensed Marriage and Family therapist and worked with her husband in that field for thirty-six years.
The bare bones mostly tell us about the outer life of a person. The stories that others tell may reveal a little more of the character of a person: When Elizabeth retired she volunteered at the Family Service Agency in Marin where she remained for many years. While there she recognized the problem of isolation that often faces the aging and formed support discussion groups aimed to meet this need. It was this and other personal experiences that led her to authoring two books, Age Song and Love Fills in the Blanks, both published by Pacific Institute, with which she was affiliated.
So we discover that in later life Dr. Burgental remained involved in her community, saw a need (the problem of isolation) and responded by creating support discussion groups aimed to meet this need.
I then searched out an interview with Dr. Burgental that was much more in depth. There is not room enough here to share the whole interview (Growing Old Gracefully http://www.pacificsun.com/story_archives/aging_gracefully.html), but I’d like to share what she said about the groups.
Tell me about the support group you’re starting. The idea is to build a network of peers, going through the same things. I’ve been having a wonderful time meeting new people my age because, when you start talking about the real things, the internal things, it’s as if you know each other. One of the problems is that people get isolated at this age. Maybe they move to be near a son or daughter, but the son or daughter has a very busy life and they end up spending a lot of time alone—through nobody’s fault, it’s just the way it works. Or they lose a spouse and during the grieving process they withdraw. It’s very easy to withdraw when you’re feeling sad all the time. Or they have a physical disability which makes it harder to get around, and pretty soon it seems like it’s not worth the effort.
So the purpose of the group is to help older people form new friendships. And to give people a place to talk about what really matters. Everybody who’s older is dealing with loss. There’s no way that you can get older without dealing with loss. You’re losing your friends, maybe you’ve lost a spouse, you’ve lost your parents. And every day there’s something that happens that reminds you of the end of life. So we carry around the awareness that life is short.
Can you say what is the most surprising thing about growing older? [long pause] The discovery of other parts of myself that I hadn’t paid enough attention to, that I’d been too busy to acknowledge. Like what really makes me happy, in the moment, not in the global sense. What I want in this moment, right now. Because time is limited. Because I live with a man without a memory, I’m aware that this moment is all I have. And I am talking to you from my heart because that’s what I like. I don’t like chitchat. I would much rather tell you the truth about what’s going on. That gives me joy. And I’ve heard a lot of older people say they have more choice. Even though the body is giving out, you’re more in touch with yourself and who you are and you make better choices. You don’t have all the pulls of a job and children and keeping up and achieving and competing and winning and being beautiful. You have to let go of all those things and it leaves a lot of space. And it’s just so beautiful to sit and look at the flowers or enjoy whatever’s happening, whatever is here, now. It’s a luxury.
What prompted you to write the book? The thing that made me write the book is that I feel sad for people who don’t get to have this life phase, who don’t get to be old. It seems like a loss. This is such a wonderful time of life. And people who die young don’t get to see it. I’m surprised that it’s so good. I thought it would be awful to be old. And it turns out to be really good! And the world is in such a mess. Don’t get me started on that. Sometimes I feel helpless, but you can always write a letter or make a phone call. That’s the other part about being old, is that I can do that.
With authority. Exactly! I can say, damn it, I know something, and this is wrong!
You can get away with a lot more when you’re old. You can, that’s true! People are intimidated, and that’s good! [laughs] I never was able to intimidate anybody and now I can, and I’m so glad! Who would hit an old lady?
From another article we hear from other people: "A lot of the topics involve loss," explained Ann Coffey, a retired psychotherapist who co-founded Agesong with Bugental four years ago. "People have lost a spouse, they've lost children, they've lost friends, they've lost their home. But more importantly, they've lost their power in the world. Since Dr. Bugental’s death Ann Coffey continues to lead a group that meets in San Rafael and discusses issues related to aging, “but we also talk about new connections and new possibilities." "We would usually start each group with a short segment from Elizabeth's book," Coffey said. "That would be the jumping off platform for a discussion." Those discussions often come around to a concept called "the \new old age," which can be defined by asking questions such as, "What are the new possibilities? How do we live in the present? And how do we get the most out of the time we have left?" "The part that makes me happy is that once people participate, over half of them want to continue," Coffey said. "They say they have a much better sense of themselves and are more optimistic. They get new perspectives on what's going on in their lives." "Novelist Gabriel Garcia Marquez says, 'The old are younger in one another's company,'" she said. "That's what happens in these groups. The discussion are lively, animated, smart, insightful. It didn't seem like what I thought it would be with a group of 80-year-olds." (Since the first Agesong group in September 2005, 100 seniors have participated in 20 groups over four years.) Claudette Josephson, 73, a former aide to Sen. Barbara Boxer, began as a participant in the first Agesong group and went on to become a facilitator. One of the issues that resonated with her was how older people become marginalized in a society that focuses so obsessively on youth.
"That's a big issue," she said. "It means you get discounted. Younger people don't pursue getting to know you. You're not consulted. You're not invited to socialize. They don't value age. I watched how I, as an older woman, became marginalized because of age. Until you feel it, it's very hard to understand." Many more women than men participate in the groups, but men have their concerns as well. Josephson remembers a man suffering from Parkinson's disease and the effects of a stroke who wanted to talk about the most difficult subject of all: Death.
"He was pretty focused on death, but not in a morbid way," she recalled. "He talked about having the power to terminate one's life, and that isn't something people normally talk about. It was unusual, but this group was articulate and talked about it. It was the first group that I had that was willing to broach that subject."
For Coffey, Agesong has soothed her fears about aging.
Next month I want to continue sharing about Dr. Bugental’s books and offer the opportunity to for people to meet and start such a group here at LutheranCare in Clinton. Please contact me and let me know if you might be interested in participating in such a group including the best day and time to meet: 235 – 7125 or
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Tuesday, 24 January 2012 10:18 |
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AGESONG: Meditations for Our Later Years
Both books AgeSong and Love Fills In The Blanks: Paradoxes of Our Final Years, were published by Elders Acadamey Press, The Elders’ Academy Press consists of a few people including Dr. Bugental who seek to help change perceptions of the elderly and aging and develop a vision of contemporary Elder. The Press also seeks to encourage peoples to approach the process of aging with consciousness and to direct their thoughts forward to possibilities ahead. In December’s column I introduced you to Dr. Elizabeth Bugental, a group of people she works with, her book Love Fills In The Blanks: Paradoxes of Our Final Years, which has arisen from that work together (http://www.pacificsun.com/story_archives/aging_gracefully.html),
Tell me about the support group you’re starting. The idea is to build a network of peers, going through the same things. I’ve been having a wonderful time meeting new people my age because, when you start talking about the real things, the internal things, it’s as if you know each other. One of the problems is that people get isolated at this age. Maybe they move to be near a son or daughter, but the son or daughter has a very busy life and they end up spending a lot of time alone—through nobody’s fault, it’s just the way it works. Or they lose a spouse and during the grieving process they withdraw. It’s very easy to withdraw when you’re feeling sad all the time. Or they have a physical disability which makes it harder to get around, and pretty soon it seems like it’s not worth the effort.
So that last month we discovered that experience can bring with it the ability to hold “both / and” in tension; paradoxes (e.g. We Must Look for Answers Everywhere All the Time / There are No Answers Outside Ourselves; Fear Increases with Loss / Living with Loss Lessens Fear...). We’ve seen that people who have reflected on enough life are marked by a kind of sober joy, or what St. John of the Cross called “a luminous darkness.”
Many of us who address issues of quality aging and believe in lifelong growth have been influenced by the work of Jungian therapist, James Hillman. Hugh Downs, now age 90, shared the following comment in response to the recent death of pychologist James Hillman, in reflecting upon risk, vulnerability and age: “If one focuses on achieving some sort of risk free existence and reaches any degree of success, the result is a terrific loss of quality living. Horizons will shrink, zest will fade, purpose can be eroded to the point that the question will arise whether life is worth living. In a long and loving relationship the risk (which increases yearly) builds formidable vulnerability, but that is the price, and it’s a bargain.” The poetry of AgeSong: Meditations for Our Later Years; became the starting point for a group of people to get together. A quiet questioning of “where does the rubber meet the road?” and a place of support and encouragement of the inner life. While the inner life is personal there are more and more of us traveling this pilgrimage into later life. Chapters 1 How did I get to be this old? 2 Saying the Nevers 3 Creating an Old Age 4. What’s Different Now 5 Who Am I (Again)? 6 About Looking Back 7 What’s Now, What’s Ahead 8 Begin with Beauty 9 What of Truth? 10 But We Can Wonder 11 How About Goodness? 12 Beauty, Truth, Goodness, Wonder, Connection, Courage
HOW DID I GET TO BE THIS OLD? Old was never. Faded gray like fog. Somebody else walking too slowly, blocking the path. Brush past. Look away quickly. Forget quickly, look ahead. Misshapen toes in old slippers aren’t fun.
Coming closer now. Can’t say it looks much better from the outside. Like our young adult children heading for foreign countries, trying to imagine their new lives, we’re dealing with millions of unknowns.
That’s strange. What did we think these later years would be like? Or did we think at all about life after an ever-lengthening middle age?...
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THIS CONVERSATION LETS COME TOGETHER ON MONDAY, FEBRUARY 27TH, FROM 2:00-3:00p.m. IN THE THERAPEUTIC RECREATION ROOM IN THE MARTIN LUTHER BUILDING -- LUTHERANCARE 108 UTICA ROAD, CLINTON, NY 13323 FOR FURTHER INFORMATION CONTACT REV. BRIAN McCAFFREY, CHAPLAIN, (315) 235 – 7125 or
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ANOTHER SONG A few months ago my wife and I attended for the first time a “Shape Note Singing” festival in Barneveld. Shape Note singing also known as Southern Harmony or Sacred Harp, is an early American form of hymn singing. It was designed for people who do not read music, so each musical note was given a different shape. My wife and I found that people were more than friendly and willing to help newcomers follow along. The harmony is old timey and may not be what you are used to, but it grows on you. Our experience of participation in the singing was simply fun. You do not need to have a choir voice you simply are invited to sing out. I greatly appreciated the fact that there were people of all ages and everyone was included.
I’m bringing this up because it turns out that Hamilton College is hosting the New York State Midwinter Regional Sacred Harp Singing festival on Saturday February 25th, from 10:00am – 3:00pm at the Fillis Events Barn, just off of College Hill Road. So come on out and make a joyful noise! |
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Love Fills In the Blanks: Paradoxes of Our Final Years |
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Saturday, 22 October 2011 18:44 |
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Love Fills In the Blanks: Paradoxes of Our Final Years
A Book of Poetry & Prose by Elizabeth Bugental
Published by Elders Academy Press (www.elderspress.org) 2008 This is a short easy read that is rich with content. When we were younger we tended to want simple answers and our world to be black and white either/or. Many of us have discovered a different paradoxical perspective as we have aged. The questions of later life often lead us to paradoxes of both/and. (Paradox = “a seemingly contradictory statement that expresses a possible truth.” Like Niebuhr’s Bible on one knee and the newspaper on the other I believe that Dr. Bugental’s paradoxes represent the context of our older members. As a preacher whose congregation is elderly I plan on regularly returning to these insights as a means of shaping my sermons to address the needs and experience of my congregation. Paradox
1. We Must Look for Answers Everywhere All the Time / There are No Answers Outside Ourselves 2. Fear Increases with Loss / Living with Loss Lessens Fear 3. Receiving Is Easier Than Giving / Giving Is Easier Than Receiving 4. Old Age Makes Us Useless / Old Age Offers Us a New Kind of Usefulness 5. Clean Up the Mess, There Isn’t Much Time / Ignore the Mess, There Isn’t Much Time 6. Lots of Time / Out of Time 7. Too Old to Talk About Sex and Money / Old Enough To Talk About Sex and Money Each chapter contains Dr. Bugental’s poetic response to the given paradox; but also includes responses from a group of elders. Four more paradoxes are added in an addendum. [8. Too Old to Learn Anything New / Old Enough To Learn Fast When It Matters 9. Old Enough to Take Life Seriously / Smart Enough to Get the Joke 10. Old Enough to Hold Fast to Familiar Loves / Wise Enough to Let Go Freely 11. Too Old to Expect to Find New Relationships / Old Enough to Treasure a New Friend] |
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Saturday, 22 October 2011 18:30 |
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THE POETICS OF AGING
The Summer Day
by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life? The traditional view of aging thinks of it in terms of work: measured by whether work is present or absent. I prefer instead to think of Aging in terms of music: life has four Ages, Stages, or movements, just as a symphony does. So, of course, Aging as music, Aging as poetics, is long overdue for discussion. - Dick Bolles
That was the heading in an e-mail I received. It caught my eye. It turns out to be the name of a conference Poetics Of Aging Conference: A Grassroots Gathering To Celebrate Eldership And Value Aging As The Basis For Depth And Wisdom (November 16 - 19, 2011, San Francisco, CA -- http://poeticsofaging.org). It may seem an obvious insight that we all age, but there is a strong cultural bias against aging. I am delighted whenever I encounter another positive perspective on the second half of life. “The conference mission is to counter the mainstream understanding of aging as decline and/or disease with a more expansive, humanistic, and creative – that is poetic – vision and approach. Together we shall create a climate where people share their awareness and creative expressions, while providing room for self-study and discovery.” The website led me to a fascinating paper by Dr. Nader Robert Shabahangi the founder of the AgeSong Institute (http://agesonginstitute.org -- One of the many collaborators of the Poetics of Aging Conference)
- "We talk about the prime of life. What is that? When is that?... We continue to mature and develop, especially emotionally and spiritually, until we die. Imagine if we could not wait to get old, like a child can't wait to be an adult? Imagine if we looked at each day as another opportunity to deepen, mature, grow, develop, become an elder? How stunningly shortsighted, then, to view aging as decline! Aging allows us to keep writing the poem we call our life."
Aging is not a disease that needs a cure. Our life is more than what’s happening to our bodies. Dr. Shabahangi points out that the word “poetics” is derived from the Greek and means: the act of making, of creating; and thus the poetics of aging sees all of us as actively engaged in a creative process—that life naturally involves process, aging, change, and creativity. I can’t help but be reminded of the song, Poetry in Motion. Our lives carry meaning and while each portion (or stanza) of our life can be filled with significant images and meaning the real beauty and depth cannot be appreciated until the poem is completed.
As pastor, when I do a funeral I invite people who attend to share significant memories they have of the person. Our lives often become fractured into segments that have little contact but each segment may reflect an aspect of character or virtue that becomes paid forward into the world. As people share we are often shown memories from a variety of times (childhood, school, work, retirement), relationships (sibling, cousin, friend, spouse, parent, grandparent), and other connections (work, neighbor, church, community); the pieces become like the facets of a diamond reflecting the light of life in different ways. I believe that it is important that we identify people who have managed to live a life that we admire; qualities such as patience, humility, courage, and compassion. Also the ability to accept others, value human experience, and have an understanding of the limits of being human. “These qualities are rarely obtained at a young age through schooling or other forms of education rather they require a lifetime of experience and learning to achieve and practice.”( Dr. Shabahangi)
James Hillman, Jungian Therapist, said in an interview
- Elders have always initiated the young. Hillman phrases it in an interview where he is being asked the following question: “Do you think that we stifle our societal growth and repeatedly make the same mistakes because we limit our contact with the most experienced group of the population?” He answers: “Yes, I do. It does not mean that all old people are wise, or any old people are wise. It only means that they have a stronger character. And that strength is like a keel, or an anchor, or a strong root for the group.”
Michael Meade, author and is founder of Mosaic Multicultural Foundation (http://www.mosaicvoices.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=66&Itemid=53), a nonprofit network of artist, activists, and community builders that encourages greater understanding between diverse peoples; being asked about the qualities of an elder and the role they could play in society states the following: - “One of the characteristics I see of an elder is found in the Latin word gravitas, which means to have gravity … grounded would be the contemporary word — grounded in one’s own life as well as being able to walk in the other world. . . I think all the structures in our society will change if there is real change, if there is a real regard to understanding what the last stage of life is about.
Because of what we continue to learn as we age I believe that it is important that we share with younger people what we have learned to value. To encourage them to make an effort throughout their lives to learn new things, deepen themselves and make a commitment to become aware and accept struggles and sufferings alongside the joys and pleasures of life. "WILD GEESE"
by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things. |
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Saturday, 22 October 2011 18:24 |
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by Robert Nader Shabahangi - Founder & CEO of AgeSong There is renewed interest today in the idea of eldership. Eldership refers to the role a person takes within a group or larger community. The elder is someone who exhibits those qualities and traits that help another individual, a group or the larger community in time of need. The Hebrew zah-kehn, the Greek presbuteros and the Latin senex mean the same as the English senior, elder, or aged. The English word Sir or Sire, the Spanish Señor, the Italian Senior are derived from senex and show the respect the elder was afforded.
The Greek word presbuteros, from which is derived the words Priest and Presbyterian, refers in the Old Testament to age status and experience and translates to English as ‘elder.’ Some biblical scholars contend that the word bishop, from the Greek episkopos, overseer, is used interchangeably with the word ‘elder.’
Eldership as a role and a position within a community emerged from tribal traditions. In these traditions, we find an emphasis on elders as guides and leaders. Among the Australian Aborigines men slowly move into the status of eldership once they show signs of age, such as gray hair. This indicates that they are experienced and wise and are fit to lead the tribe and teach the young. Elders in the tribe also guide the young with life issues such as the selection of jobs for which they are fit; determining whether someone has the ability and talent to be a good teacher or the skills to be a hunter. They also address tribal concerns and make final decisions about the direction the tribe will move on various issues.
In the Native American tradition, elders are placed in the highest position of honor and respect a tribe can offer its members. The traits generally associated with elders in this tradition are:
• knowledge
• wisdom
• counseling skills
• loving heart
• compassion
• willingness to teach
• even temperedness
• patience
• and willingness to take on responsibility.
More recently, the term eldership is also found within the Jewish and Christian Scriptures. Within this religious context an elder was thought of as a helper, someone who assisted the priest with communal tasks and responsibilities. The traits of eldership were outlined quite specifically in this tradition.
Elders were to be:
• gentle, not violent
• not greedy for money
• respectable
• loyal to their partner
• temperate and self-controlled
• hospitable
• moderate with alcohol
• parents who raise their children a believers
• willing to lead others
• willing to oversee others
• not recently converted
• those with a reputation with outsiders
• those who love what is good
• disciplined
• those who held steady against false beliefs
• those who led an exemplary life In the New Testament the concept of ‘elder’ was sometimes used interchangeably with bishop, overseer and pastor and showed the status an elder held in this tradition. Elders were described as teachers, leaders, shepherds and rulers with qualities such as wisdom, maturity, knowledge, honor and balance. They were considered representatives of the people because they were ‘called by God.’ The necessity of desire and joy in being an elder is stressed in scripture. Elders were elders not only because they were appointed but also because they themselves desired and enjoyed being an elder.
Another important aspect of eldership was that elders, though entrusted with the welfare of God’s people, were seen as humans. This meant that they were prone to errors and frailties as all other humans. They were not infallible. Additionally, scripture makes a distinction between elders who ‘rule’ and elders who ‘teach.’ Though scholars have different opinions on this matter, some argue that this distinction was made because of the recognition that some elders were more qualified to rule and others were better teachers and preachers. The ability to rule and the ability to teach were seen as distinct qualities, that is they were not understood as complementary. Whereas little is mentioned about how ‘ruling’ elders were to practice for their task, ‘teaching’ elders were definitely called upon to prepare for their role:
“The one elder who, by the force of circumstances, is obliged to pass through a process of preparation to fit himself for his work, finds himself in a position different from the other elders; he has been subjected to a long course of intellectual and moral training; he adopts the pastoral work as the business and pleasure of his life.”
This a very brief synopsis of the role elders held and in some important traditions and what qualities were generally associated with them. Even though there are expected differences within different cultures, the overall role and qualities of elders seems to transcend time and space and culture.
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